Moving on

Moving on is hard in so many ways, especially when moving on from a loved one. I was in love. I had it all. So I thought I was happy. I was free and I was comfortable for the first time in a long time. I had a friend and I had a companion and I had a boyfriend. He was Good. He was smart, spontaneous, funny, sarcastic, had a smile that could light up the whole room. I felt like the most beautiful person in the world. He made me feel beautiful in my skin.  He made me laugh harder than I have ever laughed. He was my first love, and he was my first in a lot of ways. Truthfully, I don’t know where it went wrong, or where I went downhill, or where we lost connection. I went into a deep depression to be honest and it was hard. Being in a relationship, of course, there’s going to be intimacy. And that brought out so many good things but it also brought out things I push deep, deep down and locked away. I am a survivor of sexual abuse and that’s not easy to say. You go through a lot physically and mentally being sexually abused, but you also go through a lot being intersex and trans with your body image with your insecurities and then with society on top of that. I have insecurities like everybody else. I have things I want to change, I have stretch marks. I have acne. I have bruises and I have scars. But all mountains have cracks and holes but it’s still standing at the end. The relationship ended with the both parties agreeing it was the end. It wasn’t a fight. It wasn’t that I got broken up with, or he didn’t get broken up with. We broke up with each other we decided and agreed that our roads weren’t going on the same path anymore and that’s OK. Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world. And then some days I remember the great memories we had, and his smile, and the way he made me feel, and I miss him. I’m healing and changing and growing. And I got to move on. A part of me is sad about moving on and letting go. I have to climb the mountain to see the view.  I’m on the path of healing. It’s not easy, it’s not hard, it’s a journey like anything else. But I am not alone. I am loved. I am cared for. I am strong. I am proud of my scars and my bruises. I am proud to be the woman I am today. So in the end break ups are hard. Break ups change you. You find love again and you begin a new you. Write a new chapter in this book we call life and that’s what I’m going to do. But if you’re reading this, I love you. And I’ll always love you and thank you for all the wonderful times. I wish you all the best.  I hope we can be friends. It’s not easy but life is a journey. ~ Gean

What’s the meaning of this thing we call life?

Do you ever just have those long thoughts about why and how? Well, I do all the time, and I started wondering about how life is going now and how it was.  But it wasn’t always like this. You see, I have had a long journey from such a young age. I have experienced the good and the bad through many different eyes which not a lot of people get to do. There are 3 things I have seen that have opened my eyes in different ways. Number 1 was Happiness (remember blog of January 30, 2019).

Another of them is love, and love is a big word that can mean so much. You can love things, people, or even a time of day. I believe that love is unconditional and can spread far and wide over distance and time, but sometimes it’s harder to feel it than to say it.  As a kid I was told I was loved but I did not feel it. To me it was like oil on top of water. I knew how love felt. My cousin, who was my buddy, showed me unconditional love. She was as bright as they come. No one’s perfect but I looked up to her because she saw the world and people with eyes of love. No judgment, just love. At one point in my life I asked the person from whom I never felt love growing up if they really loved me and the answer was, “I do, but in my own way.”  It was years later I realized that she did love me the best she could for who I am.  But that’s the thing, some people see or even know love like it has a limit, or it doesn’t fit in some places. I believe love has no limitations or bounds.  It is unconditional. Thank you to the family and friends who love me for who I and and have shown me what unconditional love feels and looks like.  For that I will always treasure . I feel loved now. I know what it means to me. I love my mom, sister and my family who knows me for me, and I want to thank my amazing boyfriend for showing me love has no labels and that I do deserve love no matter what. I know how I plan to show and share my love with the world.

Labels to fit me

Sometimes it’s hard to find the right labels to fit me so other people can understand who I am. Society is always trying to put you in groups, or stick you under some label. I go back-and-forth with identifying as trans or intersex and I do that because not a lot of people know about intersex. I feel like saying trans will be easier for them to get it.

Intersex is a general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn’t seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male. Individuals born with any of several variations in sex characteristics including chromosomes, gonads, sex hormones, or genitals.

I’m a girl with xxy chromosomes and ovaries but no other female reproductive organs.

Sometimes it’s hard. People are always wanting to find the right label to fit them so other people can understand them but I believe you don’t need a label to know who you are and you don’t need to label yourself for other people. Live your life in love and happiness , grow and change because life is so beautiful and it’s about the journey not the destination or where you start. I am a strong woman and I know who I am. You should be proud of who you are. ~ Gean