In life, you can feel lost at times for a little bit or for a long while and it can be frustrating. Feeling lost can be the result of a lot of things and being lost is not always bad. I’m lost at this time in my life because of coming out of a break up. Break ups are hard on everyone, not just one person. You have a right to feel sad, mad, lost, and forgotten. My feelings are so all over the place because it was the first time I was in love. I fell hard and loved even harder. I opened my heart and my life to someone and I let my walls down for the first time with a guy. And that was one of the hardest things to do. While in the relationship I was happy, loved, and free. But I was always learning more about myself at the time too. The relationship was beautiful and loving and a wonderful one I will hold in my heart forever. You may be wondering what happened. Well, in relationships you grow and learn from each other and sometimes the roads you take don’t end up going in the same direction anymore. At the time I was in a relationship I was going though a lot with my mom having cancer and learning things about myself. College was coming up and so much more. I felt lost at times. I felt I wasn’t good enough or my best self and that’s not a good place to be in because it’s depressing, hard, and sad. So I asked for a break but the break ended up being a break up and to me that was a little surprising, but like I said it’s not just about one person. He had a lot going on too with work and time, and his own things to work on. I support that I’m here for him I want nothing but the best for him in life. I was sad and mad and heartbroken because it ended so fast and I fought for him but in the end I was the only one fighting and I had to let go. I am still letting go. It’s hard, but it is life. Because climbing the mountain will be a journey and sometimes you will fall. But trust me when I say I’m getting back up again and making it to the top because life’s a climb but the view is worth it. Life is a mountain that we are climbing in different ways and on the way to the top we go on different journeys with people, friends, and family but in the end we always make it to the top stronger and as our best selves to see the view.
I feel free, I feel loved, I feel happy. Most of all I found self love. I forgive and I heal. Life is long and beautiful so I am ready for more adventure.
Do you ever just have those long thoughts about why and how? Well I do all the time, and I started wondering about how life is going and how it was. But it wasn’t always like this. You see, I have had a long journey from such a young age. I have experienced the good and the bad through many different eyes which not a lot of people get to do. There are 3 things I have seen that have opened my eyes in different ways.
One of them is happiness and being truly happy can be hard to find sometimes. In my case I thought I was happy in a life that I had. But that’s all I knew so I guess that’s what I thought was happiness. Let me get into more detail. I didn’t realize what the feeling of happiness was until one day an angel came and saved me. Ever since I been with this angel, aka my mom, I’ve been happy each and every day I wake up in my bed. Happiness can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Some find happiness in things, like money or cars and more objects. Others find happiness in people and food or even drinks. I’m not saying that’s bad or anything. I like food—it’s so good!
But this is how I found true happiness and what’s funny is I had it all along. It was just the surroundings I was in that was shadowing the flower from the sun. Love found me in a wonderful family and mother who let my flower grow from a seed to stem and now into a bright and beautiful rose. See, all you need is right inside of you, but the surroundings may not be right. Some people travel to find happiness in themselves. Some people buy things to find happiness. In my case my family was the water to my soil and my mother was the sun to my growth. It’s been a wonderful and crazy journey but in the end the flower just needed its sun and some water to grow. But it was always there so just sometimes it takes longer to find it, but it’s always around, just hidden ready to be found…
(to be continued)
I wanted to go get another plant for my room, so my mom and I went to the store to get one the next day. I picked out a long and beautiful green Ivy plant. As we arrived at checkout my mom begins to pay for it. All of a sudden she pulls out her VA card and says, “This is my VA card. It’s for my prescriptions.” The cashier just gave a weird but understanding look at my mom. So as my mom finished paying (with a real credit card) the cashier says, “You know, if you fill out a form about being a VA veteran you can get a discount.” My mom stops to think and replies, “Oh, OK.” Then we head out the Magic doors that open as you arrive. Later, laughing with my mom about the awkward moment of pulling out her VA card, I start to understand what she was trying to say: Can I get a discount from me showing my VA card like I do at other stores or restaurants. So anyway, going places with my mom can be an adventure, or just really time consuming. But in the end I at least have a bag full of new stuff. So, yeah, love shopping with my mom.
They say that whatever you do on New Year’s Day you’ll be doing the rest of the year.
They also say that black-eyed peas and cornbread ensure good luck for the upcoming year.
Not sure if I believe in the second one, but just in case there is a grain of truth to the old wive’s tales, I’ve made an effort to comply. Can’t stomach black-eyed peas, but BBQ pork & beans slow cooked with maple bacon and hamburger over corn chips just might do the trick. We’ll see how this year goes, and add some chili powder next New Year’s. Maybe the idea is to clear out your colon, you know, kind of a symbolic sweeping out of the past year’s bad luck.
I discovered a lot about skin care in December. Did you know that spray foam designed to insulate those nasty cracks beneath your exterior doors does not smooth over the cracks in your skin. Don’t even ask about my nails. I ended up leaving lot’s of Hansel and Gretel type crumbs of hardened foam all through the house as I frantically searched for any type of chemical that would dissolve or soften this yellow crap. Dish soap, bleach, insecticide, Lysol, Murphy’s oil, kerosene – none worked. Acetone, yes! Didn’t have any. Ended up scouring most of this off with a wire dish scrubber.
And lo and behold, within days, Daughter #1 send me the most glorious gift of all! A Revlon Paraffin hand bath. Oh, the wonder! The delight! I have never had my hands and feet waxed before! The rest of me still looks old and decrepit, but my hands and feet look 20 years younger. Not to be outdone, Baby girl gave me a mani and a pedi and painted my nails. She also threw a mask on my face, so now my face only looks 10 years older than my hands. But she also gave me an aromatherapy necklace so at least I can be all zen about the disparity of ages among my body parts.
She’s a sly one, she is, Baby Girl. Eager for us to pursue the after Xmas sales. Says she needs new clothes. What? Why? She has an entire second bedroom up there dedicated to her wardrobe, shoes, make up and jewelry. One look told me I have apparently had all of my upstairs re-carpeted during the past six months. A second look told me the new carpet was her entire wardrobe, tried on and casually discarded, covering the entire floor. After a short but sweet come to Jesus moment, it was decided that there will be no new clothes until my carpet is back to it’s original condition. That was two weeks ago. I’m afraid to look.
I love my daughters. I love my son. And that kind of brings me back to the original statement of this story. How do I spend the first day of the new year? How to make it symbolic of what I want and hope for this year? Like everyone else, I want love, peace, happiness, joy, and acceptance for everyone. And I want some for me too. I’ve ridden the waves of love and hate, anger and remorse, joy and depression for years. It’s the human thing to do, and I don’t truly think this is going to change.
I spent today remembering that as I love, I need to spread the love. Every day. Unconditionally. Today, I did not clean house, I did not pay bills, nor did I worry about where the next dollar came from. I slept late, cooked a yummy meal for my loved ones (thank you, Penzeys Spices). Watched the winter birds forage for food. Fed the feral cats. Watered the plants. Held my daughter’s hand, and smoothed the soft fur of my sweet cat and dog family. Prayed for my family, my friends and neighbors, and all peoples of this world. Prayed for the peace of this world and all of her creation.
I held peace in my heart today, and prayed that I may hold it there all this next year.
And that’s what I did on the first day of this New Year.
~ Gean’s Mom
Some where in the Frigid Northeast of The United States of America, there is an infant shivering in the cold. Like 5 degree temperature Fahrenheit, folks.
No, no, not in a manger with shepherds and brilliant guiding stars, and angels singing on high from above, but on a sidewalk in a small town in the U.S. North with approximately one-half of the local citizenry as witnesses. And canned, recorded, old Christmas music blaring over the local emergency broadcast system.
Mama and Dada brought their precious child to his first small town Christmas parade.
You know the parades where every fire company in a 50 mile radius cleans and decorates their majestic fire trucks. Rescue trucks too. Candy is thrown to the excited children. Tractor stores, Tree Trimming companies, Septic Cleaning companies, High School hockey teams, Veteran’s groups, Honor Guards, Local Churches, the Sheriff, the Local Police, EMS in the parade – it really is great to watch all of the small town camaraderie. Lots of back slapping and reminiscing and laughter. Other than freezing toes, I was really in to this small town expression of brotherly love.
Then, someone smelled a Poopy diaper, or maybe a bad ass fart. Ah, poor baby got passed off to Mama to investigate and remedy the situation on the spot. So sad for baby.
Shivering in the cold.
Meanwhile, Baby Boomer Mom is slowly backing up into me. “We need to move further down,” she says. OK, so we do. Away from small baby. And I’m thinking, “Wow, the smell.”
At a safe distance half way down the block, I notice Mom sneaking peeks at the family scene we just left behind. “Damn,” she says. “Those beans flat tore me up. We just really needed to get out of there before they opened up the diaper.”
My mom. Please, if there is a God in Heaven, forgive her.