Moving on

Moving on is hard in so many ways, especially when moving on from a loved one. I was in love. I had it all. So I thought I was happy. I was free and I was comfortable for the first time in a long time. I had a friend and I had a companion and I had a boyfriend. He was Good. He was smart, spontaneous, funny, sarcastic, had a smile that could light up the whole room. I felt like the most beautiful person in the world. He made me feel beautiful in my skin.  He made me laugh harder than I have ever laughed. He was my first love, and he was my first in a lot of ways. Truthfully, I don’t know where it went wrong, or where I went downhill, or where we lost connection. I went into a deep depression to be honest and it was hard. Being in a relationship, of course, there’s going to be intimacy. And that brought out so many good things but it also brought out things I push deep, deep down and locked away. I am a survivor of sexual abuse and that’s not easy to say. You go through a lot physically and mentally being sexually abused, but you also go through a lot being intersex and trans with your body image with your insecurities and then with society on top of that. I have insecurities like everybody else. I have things I want to change, I have stretch marks. I have acne. I have bruises and I have scars. But all mountains have cracks and holes but it’s still standing at the end. The relationship ended with the both parties agreeing it was the end. It wasn’t a fight. It wasn’t that I got broken up with, or he didn’t get broken up with. We broke up with each other we decided and agreed that our roads weren’t going on the same path anymore and that’s OK. Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world. And then some days I remember the great memories we had, and his smile, and the way he made me feel, and I miss him. I’m healing and changing and growing. And I got to move on. A part of me is sad about moving on and letting go. I have to climb the mountain to see the view.  I’m on the path of healing. It’s not easy, it’s not hard, it’s a journey like anything else. But I am not alone. I am loved. I am cared for. I am strong. I am proud of my scars and my bruises. I am proud to be the woman I am today. So in the end break ups are hard. Break ups change you. You find love again and you begin a new you. Write a new chapter in this book we call life and that’s what I’m going to do. But if you’re reading this, I love you. And I’ll always love you and thank you for all the wonderful times. I wish you all the best.  I hope we can be friends. It’s not easy but life is a journey. ~ Gean