Moving on

Moving on is hard in so many ways, especially when moving on from a loved one. I was in love. I had it all. So I thought I was happy. I was free and I was comfortable for the first time in a long time. I had a friend and I had a companion and I had a boyfriend. He was Good. He was smart, spontaneous, funny, sarcastic, had a smile that could light up the whole room. I felt like the most beautiful person in the world. He made me feel beautiful in my skin.  He made me laugh harder than I have ever laughed. He was my first love, and he was my first in a lot of ways. Truthfully, I don’t know where it went wrong, or where I went downhill, or where we lost connection. I went into a deep depression to be honest and it was hard. Being in a relationship, of course, there’s going to be intimacy. And that brought out so many good things but it also brought out things I push deep, deep down and locked away. I am a survivor of sexual abuse and that’s not easy to say. You go through a lot physically and mentally being sexually abused, but you also go through a lot being intersex and trans with your body image with your insecurities and then with society on top of that. I have insecurities like everybody else. I have things I want to change, I have stretch marks. I have acne. I have bruises and I have scars. But all mountains have cracks and holes but it’s still standing at the end. The relationship ended with the both parties agreeing it was the end. It wasn’t a fight. It wasn’t that I got broken up with, or he didn’t get broken up with. We broke up with each other we decided and agreed that our roads weren’t going on the same path anymore and that’s OK. Some days I feel like I’m on top of the world. And then some days I remember the great memories we had, and his smile, and the way he made me feel, and I miss him. I’m healing and changing and growing. And I got to move on. A part of me is sad about moving on and letting go. I have to climb the mountain to see the view.  I’m on the path of healing. It’s not easy, it’s not hard, it’s a journey like anything else. But I am not alone. I am loved. I am cared for. I am strong. I am proud of my scars and my bruises. I am proud to be the woman I am today. So in the end break ups are hard. Break ups change you. You find love again and you begin a new you. Write a new chapter in this book we call life and that’s what I’m going to do. But if you’re reading this, I love you. And I’ll always love you and thank you for all the wonderful times. I wish you all the best.  I hope we can be friends. It’s not easy but life is a journey. ~ Gean

Feeling lost

In life, you can feel lost at times for a little bit or for a long while and it can be frustrating. Feeling lost can be the result of a lot of things and being lost is not always bad. I’m lost at this time in my life because of coming out of a break up. Break ups are hard on everyone, not just one person. You have a right to feel sad, mad, lost, and forgotten. My feelings are so all over the place because it was the first time I was in love. I fell hard and loved even harder.  I opened my heart and my life to someone and I let my walls down for the first time with a guy.  And that was one of the hardest things to do. While in the relationship I was happy, loved, and free.  But I was always learning more about myself at the time too. The relationship was beautiful and loving and a wonderful one I will hold in my heart forever. You may be wondering what happened.  Well, in relationships you grow and learn from each other and sometimes the roads you take don’t end up going in the same direction anymore. At the time I was in a relationship I was going though a lot with my mom having cancer and learning things about myself. College was coming up and so much more. I felt lost at times. I felt I wasn’t good enough or my best self and that’s not a good place to be in because it’s depressing, hard, and sad. So I asked for a break but the break ended up being a break up and to me that was a little surprising, but like I said it’s not just about one person. He had a lot going on too with work and time, and his own things to work on. I support that I’m here for him I want nothing but the best for him in life. I was sad and mad and heartbroken because it ended so fast and I fought for him but in the end I was the only one fighting and I had to let go. I am still letting go.  It’s hard, but it is life. Because climbing the mountain will be a journey and sometimes you will fall.  But trust me when I say I’m getting back up again and making it to the top because life’s a climb but the view is worth it. Life is a mountain that we are climbing in different ways and on the way to the top we go on different journeys with people, friends, and family but in the end we always make it to the top stronger and as our best selves to see the view.
I feel free, I feel loved, I feel happy. Most of all I found self love.  I forgive and I heal.  Life is long and beautiful so I am ready for more adventure.

~ Gean